READ THIS ARTICLE. It’s a really clear account of how friendships work, and the process of letting someone intimately into your life.This particular passage struck me:
“Reciprocity is key. Years ago, fresh out of film school, I landed my first job, at a literary agency. I became what I thought was friends with another assistant, who worked, as I did, for an infamously bad-tempered agent. We ate lunch together almost every day. Our camaraderie was fierce, like that of soldiers during wartime. Then she found a new job working for a publicist down the street. We still met for lunch once a week. In lieu of complaining about our bosses, I told her about my concerns that I wasn’t ready to move in with my boyfriend. She listened politely, but she never divulged anything personal about her own life. Eventually our lunches petered out to once a month, before she drifted out of my life for good. I was eager to tell her my problems, but she wasn’t eager to tell me hers. The necessary reciprocity was missing, so our acquaintanceship never tipped over into friendship.”
Recently, I’ve finally given up on a couple of so-called ‘friendships’, for exactly this reason – not enough reciprocity. There’s only so much effort and self-disclosure one is willing to put out there before it gets exhausting. I’m a hell of a lot happier for it. Know that feeling of final satisfaction you get when you’ve cleaned and organized a room? It’s like that, only inside the ol’ brain-box. Feels good.
